if i were what i wish i were i would be a _________

Thu, 17 May 2007 19:37:33 GMT

most likely i'll be delteing this soon. i made a different one under a different name for buisness reasons. if you want my em-ail before i boot this let me know.

rae

guess what

Sun, 18 Feb 2007 18:25:33 GMT

i'm no longer a minor. yes, that's right, i have FINALLY turned 18. that means i can go into the back room at Saturday's now! (if you're from L'burg you get it.)

rae

Thu, 04 Jan 2007 17:25:23 GMT

i finally got myself a car. i lucked out and got it for $100 from a friend. it will make life easier. other than that schools sucks and i need to find a better job other than the fucking ski restort. and it's down to crunch time before my b-day (45 DAYS.

rae

Wed, 01 Nov 2006 17:28:27 GMT

i ended up not going trick or treating, which is rather disheartening in a way but josh took me to see Saw Three instead so i can't complain. and i got to stay the night in the middle of the week for once. i still think Halloween is the best haliday ever.

rae

Cinema Wasteland

Mon, 09 Oct 2006 13:59:53 GMT

drove five fucking hours to cleveland this weekend, then drove it home in ONE day. just for the sake of going to a horror convention called Cinema Wasteland which was fun. Tom Savini (mispelled) Sex Machine from, From Dusk 'til Dawn checked out my ass and i got really excited because i've never been around people even semi famous so yeah, i'm a nerd. and we watche Street Trash with was strange and very low budget. but all in all it was worth the 10 hours in the car and 2 packs and cigarettes and all the Taco Bell.

Fri, 18 Aug 2006 02:46:10 GMT

things seems to be slowly going a bit better. i've been able to sleep a little more and i haven't been crying for no reason. i've been taking vitamins to make sure i don't get sick from not eating well, and i'm back up to 108 so i have about 4 pounds to go to get back to my normal weight. i have been able to stomach things a litle beter though.

i'e also been taking some time to meditate, and work with my cards. that's helped me make a bit more sense of things. i'm sure in time everything will start to come together. it just sucks haveing exactly six months until i can do as i wish to do with my life and not have to deal with the parental reprecutions.

i think mom's going to actually allow me to see Josh tomorrow. that's been one of the hardest parts of this whole ordeal. i spent everyday wih him for damn near two months and no i'm not even supposed o see him and school started today so it's not like i'll have much time to. i miss him alot. we've been on the ohone several times a day thsi past week. and i've managed to sneak off a see him for a few minutes here and there, but no more than thirty minutes at the most.

now i just need to get hired at BW3's. if i have money, getting places will be a bit easier.

rae

so i didn't stay at the hospital....

Mon, 14 Aug 2006 20:11:30 GMT

things have been going so out of control for the past few weeks i couldn't hndel the stress any longer. my mother is constantly yelling at me about anything she can think of and continued to use Josh as the scapegoat in all of it. she wanted him to move out (even though she agreed to give him two weeks to get his check) that she was threatening a reastraining order. what laws he has broken to justifiy that are beond me, she was also trying to send me to juvy. after three days of us at each others throats she stormed out of the house. i asked her what was wrong and all she would tell me was nothing but it's all your fault. that's all i keep hearing out of her that everything wrong in her life is all my fault and she wants to kill her self and she hates Josh because i love him more than her and ect. well she took off, and kept calling back home to yell at me more. after abotu 5 calls i told her that i was leaving for the night because i needed to calm down. so josh and left to a friends house for the night and Rachel calls me to tell me my mother has turned me in as run away and was trying to press kidnapping charges against Josh. run away? to White Castle? that's where i was when Rachel called. what the fuck, i told her where i was. so steve brings us home and as soon as we pull in my moms out the door fucking screaming her head off telling Josh that he has to get off of her property becasue she can't deal with having him live with us anymore.

okay back track for a second - what she actually has against him, God only knows. ever since he moved in about two months ago, he kissed her ass to keep her happy. he'd clean the entire house every day, cook for everyone, give her money to help buy food when he had it, always helped me pay for gas when we had to run erands. so on and so forth. can someone tell me how he went so wrong that she decieded to kick him out when he has no where to go?

so he came in got some clothes, left. mom and i did nothing but scream and yell all night. i finaly slammed my door in her face and locked my self away. the whole thing started over again the next day. we got into it so bad i kicked a hole throught the wall. she finally left. Josh, joe and Sarah came to get his things while she was gone. they've never seen me that bad i hacn't stopped shakeing in almost three days, i hadn't in at least as long, sleeping hadn't even been though of. they were scared of what my mother was driveing me too. i'm stressed out, strung out, exhausted mentally and physically, and just breaking down, over and over again. they were afraid i was going to start hurting my self again or that mom was going to hit me again and i wouldn't be able to control my reaction.

when they left i ask mom to admit me into the mental ward at childrens because i'm so stress out i couldn't handel it anymore and especially couldn't handel her. so we go. we get there, go through all the motions of weighing, paper signing, that thing. when the social worker finally comes in to talk to me i try to expalin how things are and what's going on in my head. she goes to talk to my mother. mom convinces her that me asking to come there was just a ploy to get away from her and that it's a typical thing for my to scream, yell, cray, pull my hair, not eat, not sleep, and freak out over everything for days a a time. since im' only 17, they had to let me go home with her, she wouldn't sign me in, even after driving all the way there.

once again break down in the car on teh way home. get home. sit on the couch. Rachel calls and says she has to come to my house, she's taken too many caffine pills, can't stop skaing and her heart is raceing. she shows up, i call poison control. they said give her antacids, water, and to cool her down to keep from over heating any more. so i did all that, help her strip to get in the tub, put her in some cool water. after about 5 minutes in there she went into a shock ceasure from teh extreem temp change in her body. so i yanked off my pants climbed in there, hauled her out of the tub, yell for mom to call 911 while i'm trying to keep her from biteing her tounge. in the mist of this Anna and Ikika show up because they were going to take her home. then Joe and Josh show up to bring me back my dog. i was the only one in the house that had every seen a ceasure before and knew what to do so i started barking orders. i got my pants back on, get her dressed, kept her consious when she was snapping out of it, got her to control her breathing and checked all her vitals. the emts finall showed when she was starting be coherent again. i spent the rest of the night in the hospital with everyone until she was released save for a food run and taking Josh to Steve and Sarah's apartmet.

another night with out sleep or food. the next morning it started all over again with my mom and hadcontinued ever since other than me sneaking out last night and trying to find a job today. i'm still freaking out and stressed out but i'm so worn out i feel like a zombie.

things have to get better though, they can't get any worse, right?

rae

Sat, 12 Aug 2006 23:34:35 GMT

i'm going to the mental hospital for the week.

rae

Fri, 30 Jun 2006 01:39:14 GMT

Shitty pic but so I’m not completely off theme you can see my nose ring

Top of hair

Back of hair and sweater

Front of sweater

Now the pictures of the skirt aren’t too great, I’ll have my fiance take better ones later

Front, as best as I could get

Left side with cinching and a strap with clip

It’s a peacock I cut out and stitch on

Rae

a poem i forgot i wrote

Mon, 19 Jun 2006 19:09:33 GMT

i don't have a name for it so if you have an idea let me know.

i'm sure my hands are hard to forget

after all the scars they left you with

when you lookat them do you see my animosity?

you can't say they don't remind you of me

drowning in a false sense of compassion

after the agreed submission

you beat into my personality

now that i know what to look for

i can't believe the circles i let you run around me

i'm sure my name is hard to forget

after all the nights youspent yelling it

the promises made to me in that heat

hiding your unknown duplicities from me

but you can't fake that kind of electrisity

whispers in my ear kept blinding

true words from you were always hazy

now that i know what to listen for

i'm fighting my way throught the subliminal messages

trying to the decifer the voice or your true sincerity

i'm sure my smile is hard to forget

after you tried so hard at first to find it

broken as it is, but always true from me

it was the same one i'd see on your face

when your hand would find the hem of my dress

don't deny i fucked you best

trying so hard to do right by you

the storm gathering i never knew

questioning how much of your motives

were pure, begging for simplcity

now that i know what to look for

at least stare me in the eyes when you're lieing

Mon, 29 May 2006 05:10:02 GMT

i'm getting married.

rae

extreemly picture heavy

Wed, 05 Apr 2006 03:56:29 GMT

the long awaited picture update

Kelly’s so cute (she’s my best friend)

Yarn!

Zebra dreads

Crappy shots of the most recent hair creation

Sat, 04 Mar 2006 23:45:59 GMT

so Daniel broke my heart thursday night and told me that he doesn't want to be in a relationship. been crying my eyes out for three days now which is a strange thing for me to do. it would be so much easier to deal with if i had a reason to hate him but i don't. he kept appologizing to me because he didn't want to hurt me, which i do believe. he told me he still loves me and doesn't want to be out of me life and all that, it's just going to be hard right now. i just don' know how to handel it but i'll get over it. i always do.

rae

Thu, 23 Feb 2006 02:20:50 GMT

been sick as shit the last few days. the Seether and Shinedown concert on monday was a fucking blast other than the fact that about half way trough the Seether set i almost fainted and Bogarts security had to take me up to the front of the building. some crazy hippie guy took care of me. after i stopped shaking, we left. i was having a hard time standing, so that was a good thing. kelly survived her first mosch pit though. i was rather proud of her. daniel was trying desperatly to keep both of us safe, i was just worried about her, she didn't kno what to expect. since then i've been home with a mix of a cold and a period that decided it wants me to bleed to death. that's why i almost fainted. i was cramping so bad it hurt to stand but of course i couldn't sit even if i wanted to so i was sanding for a few hours in pain. that wasn't too good. at least the concert was fantasic (excluding flyleaf, they shouldn't legally be aloud to play 'music') i spent most of yersterday balled up on the couch because i couldn't move. when i finally did, i started puking. o the joys of being female.

on the bright side i ordered a shit load of new hair. i'm sick of this black and blonde shit. so i go a few packs of jet black, some dark purple, navy and uv reactive snow white. it should be here in a week or so.

so that's about it.

rae

Sun, 19 Feb 2006 00:52:19 GMT

it's my birthday. i made it to 17, hopefully i'll make it to 18.

rae

Mon, 05 Dec 2005 04:18:54 GMT

http://www.gothornot.com/?voteforme=morbid_spice

rate me because ..............i say so and you love me??

rae

Tue, 08 Nov 2005 22:22:16 GMT

i took that before heading out last night to Bogarts. too bad you can't see the pants i was wearing lol, i'll have to get some of them.

lets seperate the users from the WHORES!

Sat, 29 Oct 2005 04:47:40 GMT

i got a FUCKING JOB! woot! i start at waffel house monday. the best part, i don't have to change my hair to work there and i already know everyone. i'm so excited it's my first real job!

rae

Fri, 28 Oct 2005 03:47:07 GMT

another one i jsut finished. it's Morgans ballerina. i dunno why they always look shitty on here, but they do. i really need a scanner.

rae

Thu, 27 Oct 2005 03:46:42 GMT

just finished it. fucking comp, distors my shading. the black's darker, the blue brigter, and is white, not yellow, but you get the idea.

rae

Thu, 27 Oct 2005 03:02:57 GMT

so jimmy and i spilt...........forgot to post that. it was a few weeks ago now. we're still talking and shit, but it's sifferent. after beign with someon for so long then BAM it takes some getting used to. at least we don't hate eachother.

i'm already sick of being blonde, i'm thinking red and purple next?

i made a skirt and a shirt i think i'll post pictures soon.

rae

the needle tears a hole, the old familar sting, i try to kill it all away but i remember everything

Mon, 12 Sep 2005 04:11:52 GMT

if i could start again, a million miles away, i would KEEP myself, i would find a way..........

apparently love is blind. that's supposed to be a good thing. well i wish the people that love me would open up their FUCKING eyes once in a while and just god damn look at me. i'm tried of being dealt with like i'm a child, mother.

rae

Tue, 06 Sep 2005 03:41:49 GMT

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Moderate
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	High
Level 7 (Violent)	Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

hahahahaha i'm lustful and violent. okay who DIDN'T see that comeing?

rae

Tue, 06 Sep 2005 03:16:23 GMT

Most of you have seen these but I forgot to put them on here nonetheless so here ya go

The bangs are red now though.

Schools such a fucking drag. I hate that place. If I had balls, it’d make me want to castrate myself. I don’t have too many friends anymore considering the majority graduate. Since gas has gone up so much no one wants to do anything afterwards. I’m trying to get a job also but a) I have no car b) I have no car because I have no license c) assuming I had those two things, I’d be using it all on gas anyway and d) I have a fucking mohawk. But there’s a gas station place down the street hiring, so I’ll check out there. If all else fails, there’s always good ol’ Wal-Mart. I dunno. This is going to be a long year I can already tell.

rae

Thu, 11 Aug 2005 05:13:31 GMT

school starts monday. talk about slow and painful deaths.