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(kein Betreff) [Mai. 17., 2007|03:38 pm]
most likely i'll be delteing this soon. i made a different one under a different name for buisness reasons. if you want my em-ail before i boot this let me know.

rae
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guess what [Feb. 18., 2007|01:23 pm]
i'm no longer a minor. yes, that's right, i have FINALLY turned 18. that means i can go into the back room at Saturday's now! (if you're from L'burg you get it.)

rae
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(kein Betreff) [Jan. 4., 2007|01:25 pm]
i finally got myself a car. i lucked out and got it for $100 from a friend. it will make life easier. other than that schools sucks and i need to find a better job other than the fucking ski restort. and it's down to crunch time before my b-day (45 DAYS.

rae
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(kein Betreff) [Nov. 1., 2006|01:28 pm]
i ended up not going trick or treating, which is rather disheartening in a way but josh took me to see Saw Three instead so i can't complain. and i got to stay the night in the middle of the week for once. i still think Halloween is the best haliday ever.

rae
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Cinema Wasteland [Okt. 9., 2006|09:49 am]
drove five fucking hours to cleveland this weekend, then drove it home in ONE day. just for the sake of going to a horror convention called Cinema Wasteland which was fun. Tom Savini (mispelled) Sex Machine from, From Dusk 'til Dawn checked out my ass and i got really excited because i've never been around people even semi famous so yeah, i'm a nerd. and we watche Street Trash with was strange and very low budget. but all in all it was worth the 10 hours in the car and 2 packs and cigarettes and all the Taco Bell.
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(kein Betreff) [Aug. 17., 2006|10:31 pm]
things seems to be slowly going a bit better. i've been able to sleep a little more and i haven't been crying for no reason. i've been taking vitamins to make sure i don't get sick from not eating well, and i'm back up to 108 so i have about 4 pounds to go to get back to my normal weight. i have been able to stomach things a litle beter though.

i'e also been taking some time to meditate, and work with my cards. that's helped me make a bit more sense of things. i'm sure in time everything will start to come together. it just sucks haveing exactly six months until i can do as i wish to do with my life and not have to deal with the parental reprecutions.

i think mom's going to actually allow me to see Josh tomorrow. that's been one of the hardest parts of this whole ordeal. i spent everyday wih him for damn near two months and no i'm not even supposed o see him and school started today so it's not like i'll have much time to. i miss him alot. we've been on the ohone several times a day thsi past week. and i've managed to sneak off a see him for a few minutes here and there, but no more than thirty minutes at the most.

now i just need to get hired at BW3's. if i have money, getting places will be a bit easier.

rae
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so i didn't stay at the hospital.... [Aug. 14., 2006|03:36 pm]
things have been going so out of control for the past few weeks i couldn't hndel the stress any longer. my mother is constantly yelling at me about anything she can think of and continued to use Josh as the scapegoat in all of it. she wanted him to move out (even though she agreed to give him two weeks to get his check) that she was threatening a reastraining order. what laws he has broken to justifiy that are beond me, she was also trying to send me to juvy. after three days of us at each others throats she stormed out of the house. i asked her what was wrong and all she would tell me was nothing but it's all your fault. that's all i keep hearing out of her that everything wrong in her life is all my fault and she wants to kill her self and she hates Josh because i love him more than her and ect. well she took off, and kept calling back home to yell at me more. after abotu 5 calls i told her that i was leaving for the night because i needed to calm down. so josh and left to a friends house for the night and Rachel calls me to tell me my mother has turned me in as run away and was trying to press kidnapping charges against Josh. run away? to White Castle? that's where i was when Rachel called. what the fuck, i told her where i was. so steve brings us home and as soon as we pull in my moms out the door fucking screaming her head off telling Josh that he has to get off of her property becasue she can't deal with having him live with us anymore.

okay back track for a second - what she actually has against him, God only knows. ever since he moved in about two months ago, he kissed her ass to keep her happy. he'd clean the entire house every day, cook for everyone, give her money to help buy food when he had it, always helped me pay for gas when we had to run erands. so on and so forth. can someone tell me how he went so wrong that she decieded to kick him out when he has no where to go?

so he came in got some clothes, left. mom and i did nothing but scream and yell all night. i finaly slammed my door in her face and locked my self away. the whole thing started over again the next day. we got into it so bad i kicked a hole throught the wall. she finally left. Josh, joe and Sarah came to get his things while she was gone. they've never seen me that bad i hacn't stopped shakeing in almost three days, i hadn't in at least as long, sleeping hadn't even been though of. they were scared of what my mother was driveing me too. i'm stressed out, strung out, exhausted mentally and physically, and just breaking down, over and over again. they were afraid i was going to start hurting my self again or that mom was going to hit me again and i wouldn't be able to control my reaction.

when they left i ask mom to admit me into the mental ward at childrens because i'm so stress out i couldn't handel it anymore and especially couldn't handel her. so we go. we get there, go through all the motions of weighing, paper signing, that thing. when the social worker finally comes in to talk to me i try to expalin how things are and what's going on in my head. she goes to talk to my mother. mom convinces her that me asking to come there was just a ploy to get away from her and that it's a typical thing for my to scream, yell, cray, pull my hair, not eat, not sleep, and freak out over everything for days a a time. since im' only 17, they had to let me go home with her, she wouldn't sign me in, even after driving all the way there.

once again break down in the car on teh way home. get home. sit on the couch. Rachel calls and says she has to come to my house, she's taken too many caffine pills, can't stop skaing and her heart is raceing. she shows up, i call poison control. they said give her antacids, water, and to cool her down to keep from over heating any more. so i did all that, help her strip to get in the tub, put her in some cool water. after about 5 minutes in there she went into a shock ceasure from teh extreem temp change in her body. so i yanked off my pants climbed in there, hauled her out of the tub, yell for mom to call 911 while i'm trying to keep her from biteing her tounge. in the mist of this Anna and Ikika show up because they were going to take her home. then Joe and Josh show up to bring me back my dog. i was the only one in the house that had every seen a ceasure before and knew what to do so i started barking orders. i got my pants back on, get her dressed, kept her consious when she was snapping out of it, got her to control her breathing and checked all her vitals. the emts finall showed when she was starting be coherent again. i spent the rest of the night in the hospital with everyone until she was released save for a food run and taking Josh to Steve and Sarah's apartmet.

another night with out sleep or food. the next morning it started all over again with my mom and hadcontinued ever since other than me sneaking out last night and trying to find a job today. i'm still freaking out and stressed out but i'm so worn out i feel like a zombie.

things have to get better though, they can't get any worse, right?

rae
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(kein Betreff) [Aug. 12., 2006|07:34 pm]
i'm going to the mental hospital for the week.

rae
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(kein Betreff) [Jun. 29., 2006|09:38 pm]
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

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Rae
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a poem i forgot i wrote [Jun. 19., 2006|03:08 pm]
[Current Location |kitchen, gotta love the lap top]
[Aktuelle Stimmung |creativecreative]
[Aktuelle Musik |rapture, hurt]

i don't have a name for it so if you have an idea let me know.



i'm sure my hands are hard to forget

after all the scars they left you with

when you lookat them do you see my animosity?

you can't say they don't remind you of me

drowning in a false sense of compassion

after the agreed submission

you beat into my personality

now that i know what to look for

i can't believe the circles i let you run around me



i'm sure my name is hard to forget

after all the nights youspent yelling it

the promises made to me in that heat

hiding your unknown duplicities from me

but you can't fake that kind of electrisity

whispers in my ear kept blinding

true words from you were always hazy

now that i know what to listen for

i'm fighting my way throught the subliminal messages

trying to the decifer the voice or your true sincerity



i'm sure my smile is hard to forget

after you tried so hard at first to find it

broken as it is, but always true from me

it was the same one i'd see on your face

when your hand would find the hem of my dress

don't deny i fucked you best

trying so hard to do right by you

the storm gathering i never knew

questioning how much of your motives

were pure, begging for simplcity

now that i know what to look for

at least stare me in the eyes when you're lieing
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